I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.