Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Peace was never an option
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Meow
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what