SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Oh, I bet you would be
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.