Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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Pigeon open mic night.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff