My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
ugh not again
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth