Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out