I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*