My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You Might Also Like
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.