just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
We all have our pet causes.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*