Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: