“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
The news in a nutshell.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website