I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
You Might Also Like
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.