I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.