So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times