Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.