Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
shit just got real
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
True statement👍😏😁
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine