When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Oh the world we live in…
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.