My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
concern
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…