Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.