Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Does it…does it take 3 days
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
termite twitter scares me
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?