Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Did I do this right
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.