A flock of dads is called a grill.
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Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
How to properly lift a body
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift