If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
i love modern commerce
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
What my back needs
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question