IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
You Might Also Like
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon