I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty