My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.