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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
😂 amazing answer
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.