Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.