STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
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Not today. 😅
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash