hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.