But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You Might Also Like
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?