Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
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My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Why is everyone getting married at me
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Lassie, get help!
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
The dark side of Canada
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.