in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
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Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE