RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.