I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle