If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Hotels are back
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it