History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
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