I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Close call…
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is