student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*