Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.