I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
You can’t outrun your problems…
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.