Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.