*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.