Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I am having an out of money experience.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar