Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Things will get butter, keep churning
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”