I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
When I said I liked it rough.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Dead
Alive
Other✔
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon