That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.