{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.