me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
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I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.