COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work